“Have a nice trip? See you next Fall”, photo by Summer Olsson

First published in PQ Monthly

The air is getting crisp in the morning, the first grilled cheeses and soups are being devoured, and the swifts are careening into plate glass doors with reckless abandon (yes, I’m the asshole who thought for my first three months in Portland that The Swifts were an indie band that played a really long gig at some elementary school every September). It must be fall in the Pacific Northwest, and with it comes entertaining season. You’re doubtless going to have company, you popular thing you, so kick that Scruff trick out of bed and get decorating for fall! As an amateur decorator and professional know-it-all, I’ve compiled some of my favorite tips to get your house looking so good, people will be fooled into thinking you have your life in order. I’ve been drinking from my box of wine as I write this, I’m sure that didn’t affect anything:

1. Curate carefully.

2. Use a bright color on an accent wall.

3. Owls, everywhere fucking OWLS.

4. Small spaces can be fun too! Live in one so small that you come home and the front door, when opened, hits the back wall of your place. One so small that you have to keep your cat’s litter box in the fridge. One so small that you have to hang the TV outside the window because it doesn’t fit in the place. At night, you rock back and forth and hold yourself in your Murphy bed, muttering “need more space…need more space” while you fantasize about dreamy, shirtless Nate Berkus sweeping you away on his Pegasus to his palatial mid-century mansion in the woods. You wake up the next morning and your cat has literally gone insane, spinning in place and mewling softly, cooing, forever cooing for more square footage. No? Just me? Okay.

5. Proportional furniture.

6. The rule of threes.

7. The rule of smallest to largest.

8. Thinking of getting a new couch? Follow the Mogwai rules:

a. Don’t put the couch in a sunny area, or near a window. Sunlight can harm or destroy upholstery.

b. Don’t get your sofa wet, for any reason. You sofa will breed more sofas.

c. Do not, under any circumstances, feed your couch after midnight.

9. The best way to cover the roiling mess of your sociopathic instincts and narcissistic tendencies is framed photographs. On the mantle, on the nightstand in your bedroom, cover every surface you can with framed photos. They don’t even have to be people you know! Go to the nearest Goodwill and get you some framed photos, gurl. Shoplift some from a department store! Sneak some baby pictures from your neighbors when they invite you over. Everyone’s baby looks the fucking same.

10. Pro-tip: You sound 75% more condescending when you say “pro-tip” before any statement.

11. Are you, like me, tired of apologizing for that pungent cat urine smell in your apartment? Then go to the nearest Pier 1 and sift through the footstools that look like elephants and the statues that look like Zulu warriors and find yourself a fucking candle, boo. Choose from scents like Rainforest Jasmine, Bamboo Abortion, and Unfortunate Cultural Appropriation.

12. Pick the paint color for the walls last.

13. Consider chairs that are vers.

14. No wire hangers.

15. Nothing says “this is a classy place” like a screensaver for your TV that looks like a fireplace. Your autumn guests, Mabel and Darcy, will come over and they’ll see the TV and gasp “Holy shit, I didn’t even know you had a fireplace!” And you’ll grab the remote and with a little smirk on your face you’ll PAUSE THE FUCKING FIRE and Darcy won’t even know what’s happening, she’s just eating all the damn hors d’oeuvres in the corner, and honestly you’ve always thought she may have been a little touched, but Mabel. That Bitch Mabel, she called your kid crosseyed and then she didn’t let you cut down the tree that leaned over the fence between your properties, and shed its goddamn pods all over your yard so you cut it down anyway and boy was she pissed and she looked at you with those pursed smug little lips every time she would leave her house after that, so Mabel, yes Mabel sees the fire pause and she just about shits her pants, she leans over and put her hands on her knees because she is faint at the prospect of a FIRE PAUSING, and now she’s asking for a paper bag to breathe into and you know full well you have a cupboard full of lunchbags for Crosseyed Timmy’s lunches now that school is starting up again but you tell her “no” and then she passes out and she falls heavily onto your cat and kills it, as Darcy is still eating all the food in the corner and stealing one of your framed pictures of someone else’s baby. I bet you wish you had a fucking fireplace TV screensaver now, don’t you? WHO’S SMUG NOW, MABEL?

16. Use old wigs as area rugs.

17. Wait my wine was here a second ago.

18. No seriously it was just here.

19. No, I don’t have a problem you have a problem. You’re gonna have a big goddamn problem if you don’t bring me my wine back.

21. Consider sight lines when planning out the room. Also consider camera angles.

24? Get upholstery that is cat and dog friendly. It should also be otter, bear, and bull friendly.

???  Create a focal point with your daddy issues.

22. I’m sleepy

If you liked this, then I just don’t know. I think we need to see other people. In the meantime, you should check out some music I’m listening to, how weird dating apps are, and why I unfriended you on Facebook. Let’s be horrible people together!