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Dear BLCKSMTH, how many glasses of red wine can you mix with Xanax?

All of them.

Dear BLCKSMTH, what’s with the no vowels?

It’s a dated holdover from when I thought that was cool a few years ago, and that’s what I called my blog. Keep in mind, this was years after omitting vowels from words was actually cool. It’s a silly and charming affectation, like people who wear suspenders, or glasses without prescription lenses, or vegetarianism.

Hey BLCKSMTH, my boyfriend and I have been together for three years, and have been talking lately about opening our relationship up. What do you think?

I’m torn but lean towards no, but hear me out before knee-jerking me into the penalty box. When two people get into a relationship, they tend to set the terms and boundaries for that relationship. It’s a kind of emotional and sexual “contract” that’s usually articulated out loud, but sometimes not. When you change the terms of a monogamous relationship, the contract needs to be rewritten, and I’ve seen a lot of relationships fall apart because of this. SIT DOWN, I’m not saying open or closed relationships are better or worse than any others (I say “closed” not as a pejorative, but because the word “monogamous” is so exhausting to say), just that something fundamental changes for a lot of people when contracts are renegotiated.

People have a lot of strong opinions about one or the other: “People in open relationships are just sluts!” “Open relationships are the next step in peoples’ emotional evolution and those who aren’t in one are just fooling themselves!” I’m not going to sit here and say something obvious like “communication is key”, and my advice would be the same if people who originally contracted to be in an open relationship suddenly wanted to close it. What’s important is the content of the conversations around making this decision, and the questions that you have to give honest answers to: Why are we making this relationship open? Are we bored with the sexual or emotional content of the core relationship? Have we always secretly wanted to be open but were too threatened by the idea of our partner with someone else? To what degree will we communicate our other partners to each other?

If both your answers are different, or even if they’re the same but irreconcilable, then maybe it’s time to break the contract completely and start a new, open contract with someone else.

Dear BLCKSMTH, I just got serious with someone I’ve been dating awhile, and we’re both crazy about each other. We’ve even decided to see each other exclusively. The problem is, I see him online on the hookup apps even after he’s texted me goodnight and said that he’s going to bed. I’m afraid to even bring it up. Help!

First things first. The fact that you’re afraid to even talk about it doesn’t bode well. If you’re crazy about each other, you should love everything, warts and all, and by “warts” I mean insecurities, too. I love it when my boyfriend brings up things he wants from me, or when I talk to him about what I need out of the relationship, because it feels like progress. We’re not asking the other person to change who they fundamentally are, we’re giving each other a chance to modify our behavior because we care about the relationship enough. So think about what deters you from talking about what scares you.

Back to the big issue, though, and back to rewinding to the core of the problem: why is him being on the apps a problem for you? Do you fear he’s looking for the Next Best Thing (a totally valid fear and real phenomena)? Have you been cheated on in the past and this created a precedent that you feel will be repeated? Does the activity bother you, or just the fact that it’s visible to you? Get to the root of what you feel before having the conversation, and bring it up without any judgement or expectations. Chances are he’ll respond in kind.

Also, keep in mind that a lot of people use dating apps for different reasons. In the end, you wouldn’t be able to see him active on the apps if you also weren’t on them after you said goodnight. What if he’s on there looking at you being active and feeling the exact same fear?

Hiya BLCKSMTH, no question but I wanted to say you’re really articulate and handsome, and an amazing writer. You don’t seem insecure or narcissistic at all!

Hey thanks a lot, I appreciate that! You’ve made my day.

Dear BLCKSMTH, you wrote all of these questions and comments yourself, didn’t you?

Yeah.  :/

Send in your Good Questions for Bad Advice to mkschndr@gmail.com. Wallow in my self loathing by reading about that time I almost got my ass kicked in New York, or more about how I feel about monogamy vs. non-monogamy. Let’s be horrible people together.